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Happy Birthday Sasha Obama! For her birthday, her daddy gave her Justin Bieber's phone records. 
My woman could never work at a fast food place. They make milkshakes there, and milkshakes bring the boys to the yard.
I'm tired of the government reading all of my stats but never liking any of them </3
My phone display is brighter than my future.
these screwdrivers taste a lot better since I ran out of OJ!
I broke a light bulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles..... Fly is dead.
Vibrating tampons could cure the world of PMS.
apparently this dude Miller was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude my bad.
The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them
You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.
You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change
Lets change the name of Americas Got Talent to America Will Watch Anything.
Why are 3 of the 4 judges on America's Got Talent foreigners??
I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them...
In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.
I got 0 problems and denial is one! 