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I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through! 
Laziness walks in my family
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Ps4 $399 xbox $499 ....... I think I hear Microsofts sobs from here.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
So I heard if I needed to reach the NSA directly I can just dial any number?
PS4, brought to you by the same folks that brought the phrase root kit to our vocabulary
A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
BRADY: Sup. TEBOW: Sup. BRADY: What have you been up too? TEBOW: Studying the Bible. What about you? BRADY: Banging Gisele Bundchen. [Awkward Silence]
I enjoy listening to Ice cube in the summer. He's very refreshing.
Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
i live in a land of fantasy so keep your reality the hell away from me.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”
Tragedies are God's way of saying, "I'm not real".
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Baby you a song, you make me wanna roll my windows down.......and puke!
Hate is such a strong word. That's exactly why I use it.
Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.
The reason they named it the "Xbox One" is they knew that it would be the only way they would hear "Xbox Won" Might as well rename it the "Xbox Done" 