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ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned. 
I'm done looking for a woman, ladies quit sending me your numbers please and thank you.
meanwhile in Justin Biebers anal cavity. ~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~•　　　　　　　~•　　　　~†¢ã€€ã€€ã€€~•　　　　　　~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~• 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ã
Call Kenny Loggins because we are in the Danger Zone!!!
If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that
I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...
I wish weekends went by like microwave minutes
Poor (adj.) When you have too much month at the end of your money
A woman can be satisfied with 3 inches.. it doesn't matter if it's Visa or MasterCard.
I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them.
I cut myself while shaving today, because who has time to do both?
I just bought a fridge magnet and it's working great. I have 10 fridges so far.
People that will eat food even after they seen that I've pre-licked it to claim ownership, are my only natural predators.
█████████████████████ Take that prism!
Call me old fashioned, but on some nights there's nothing quite like curling up next to my kindle fire with a good eBook.
look guys, if you're 40+ and your profile picture is of your car, you're not doing life right...
Booze Allen called and asked if I still wanted the IT Securities job. I responded by saying I'm not going to Prism messing with y'all.
"I never say never." Liars...
Verizon's new slogan: Kenya hear me now.
12 years of the Patriot Act and now people are upset about Verizon? 