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It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job 
Advice is sh*t you'd tell your friends but never do yourself.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar
I love pillow talk as much as the next guy but saying "Put your needle in my haystack" isn't exactly a confidence builder.
Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime
You know....I once dated an amputee....She single-handedly changed my life.
I’ll be eating a dozen donuts throughout today to celebrate the National Donut Day, or as I call it, “every other day”
We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.
We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.
Wanted GF. A girl with good cooking skills and a jet ski, please show pic of jet ski.
Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat
I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.
Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”
Whenever I want a Klondike bar I just pay for it
Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming
I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus
Dear people who keep referring back to the good old days, why don't you stop using toilet paper and revert back to leaves so we can know your days were all that 