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In Miami: We had a great winter season lastnight, can't wait 'til next year. 
Say no to drugs and anyone who ask you if you talk to objects
When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
FACT: One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
This electronic cigarette claims to contain no smoke, only water vapor. So apparently the best way to quick smoking is to slowing drown yourself.
There's nothing hotter than a f@t girl in stockings. Not appearance wise, I'm talking temperature.
Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)
Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.
Kim Kardashian Says She Would Like To Have Sex With Herself …To Know What It Feels Like! Guess that means that after Kanye West Noone wants to touch her.
I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?
Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.
A good sense of humor is the vaccine against lifes troubles.
Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.
I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .
Wow you're having a baby? Congratulations! ...One second I'll be right back, I'm just going to take my birth control.
The closest I come to beastiality is grabbing a ponytail.
I trick girls into 69 by giving them upside down hugs.
According to my wife's calculations, I haven't been right in 12 years. 