Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.

   The level of patience I have with stupid people is actually pretty remarkable...

   Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.

   It's weird that when a normal girl dates a lot guys she's called many insulting things but when a celebrity does it she's Taylor Swift.

   Mexican word of the day "Budweiser" That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

   Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend.

   If you think this years elections were nasty think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.

   I just kicked an empty soda can and somehow scored a goal against Brazil.

   I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice.

   I watched the Wizard of Oz last night and all I could think of was "so a house fell on your sister and all you care about are her shoes?".....Women

   I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.

   So now we know what happens to planes when you don't turn off all mobile devices.

   I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!

   Yup ... Once you advocate killing cops ... You are no longer protesters ...... You are now Terrorists!

   i am dating this really sweet homeless chic, she just asked me to move out with her

   I literary just saw a chicken cross the road. I want to stop and ask him "Why"?

   It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.

   ‎"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" - Dr. Seuss

   The phrase "You come in handy" sounds like something an Asian masseuse might say for an extra $50