Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

   I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

   1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive

   I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.

   Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

   It used to be a sign that you were low on money when you took all of your loose change into the store. Today, because of a national coin shortage, I kinda felt like I was flaunting my wealth.

   Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   Man claims his body only fights viruses on Saturdays and Sundays. His doctors say he has a weekend immune system.

   I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

   I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.