Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $3.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.

   I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.

   Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

   I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   If you want a sneak preview of the new iPhone 11 just look at your iPhone 10 and pretend it costs $600 more.

   Children are the future..... but probably not your children.

   Hey, do you think the next Rocky movie will have a fight scene in the cafeteria over the thermostat?

   My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

   My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight... ...and now he's refolding them.

   "why do they have such a nice house?" -- my review of every movie

   Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.

   "I AM A WARRIOR" Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.

   I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!

   The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.

   Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

   Kids and their Halloween costumes. We were so poor when I was a kid, my Mom drew on our faces with an El Marko, and we trick or treated for canned food. NO MA'AM, I'll TAKE THE CANNED CORN.

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.