Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?

   Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

   The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house

   Can clearly see a few people who ate a bowl of stupid for breakfast.

   Gravity always gets me down...

   strived his whole life to become wise. When I accomplished my goal I realized it was a big mistake because now I have to put up with idiots.

   If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems.

   Tiger Woods has announced that he will return to golf at next months Masters. Also returning to golf ...television viewers

   I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.

   Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?

   you ever notice that when the bad guy is shooting at Superman, he stands there and lets the bullets bounce of his chest but when they throw the gun, he ducks?

   I'm either one lucky ba$tard or completely infertile.

   The guy who invented the "backseat windows can only roll down halfway" feature really overlooked the fact that no one would want that feature.

   Her: ''Honey, you never listen to what I say!'' --- Him: ''Of course they will.''

   Likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you.

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   The "Like" button is the new red AIDS ribbon. It allows people to feel like they're being supportive without having to actually do anything.

   I'm not a fan of Keebler cookies, or for that matter, anything else made by dirty elves in an unsanitary hollowed-out tree factory

   could care less where you leave it - as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.