Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

   OK now I feel bad.... just saw muted footage of rioting in Egypt...and thought it was file footage of Black friday in the Wal Mart parking lot......

   I dont hate you!! .............I hate your parents for having you.

   Where is this "chill pill" they talk about and how do I get like 5?

   I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

   wants to work for the Attitude Adjustment Bureau

   Starbucks is now offering a cup that you climb into and have coffee poured all over you.

   let Jack Bauer interview Charlie Sheen.

   You can't buy love.."That's called prostitution"

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   why is everyone complaining, my Blackberry is working just fine, holding all the papers down on my desk.

   They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime . I tried to make some at home and theres more to it than that .

   Recession update: I'm down to one burrito per paycheck. I have neither the energy nor the pico de gallo to joke about this.

   I took everything with a grain of salt and now I have hypertension.

   I almost choked to death while trying to rap in the car on the way to work. Chewing gum and Wu-Tang clan ain't nothin' to f**k with.

   To the person that first took a Peanut, covered it with Chocolate and a Candy Coat and Stamped a "M" on it....THANK YOU!!!

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook

   If my number of Facebook friends drops, I just assume someone died.

   if Osama really did believe that he was getting all those virgin's after death,.. umm.. then why the f*ck was he hiding for ten years?"

   I'll probably be too drunk to remember the apocalypse