Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most best things in life can't be seen or touched....at least that's what the restraining order says.

   thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things.

   A good man is hard to find, or is it the other way around, a hard man is good to find?

   The Macho Man is going to be the coolest and most badass Zombie.

   INSTALLING the RAPTURE... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 45% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: RAPTURE not found.

   After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

   OK now I feel bad.... just saw muted footage of rioting in Egypt...and thought it was file footage of Black friday in the Wal Mart parking lot......

   I dont hate you!! .............I hate your parents for having you.

   Where is this "chill pill" they talk about and how do I get like 5?

   I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

   wants to work for the Attitude Adjustment Bureau

   Starbucks is now offering a cup that you climb into and have coffee poured all over you.

   let Jack Bauer interview Charlie Sheen.

   You can't buy love.."That's called prostitution"

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   why is everyone complaining, my Blackberry is working just fine, holding all the papers down on my desk.

   They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime . I tried to make some at home and theres more to it than that .

   Recession update: I'm down to one burrito per paycheck. I have neither the energy nor the pico de gallo to joke about this.

   I took everything with a grain of salt and now I have hypertension.