Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Dear Week, You are not attractive and I am leaving you for Weekend... I'd say it wasn't you, and that it was me... But yeah, it was you...

   Why would you want a camera on the iPad? That's like taking pictures with a clipboard!

   resisting the new profile page.. Read the signs people! Today, your profile page.. tomorrow the world!

   would like to see a more man-friendly mall for next Christmas. It needs to have a Home Depot, AutoZone, Bass Pro Shop, Lowe's, Sears, Gander Mtn, Pep Boys, a Longhorn Steakhouse and ESPN radio playing over the christmas tunes.

   Someday we will be wheeling down the hall in that nursing home trying to have a race until the assistants come and take us to where we should have been

   OK, I just throughly cleaned out my truck from being on the road for 2 months working. What did I learn: 1) I should lay off the dollar menu 2) If TV series Hoarders, did a car edition they would ask me to star and 3) I am now getting 7 mpg more with all

   Shhhhhhhhhh....you had me at, "..$20 does include the spanking.."

   When I was young, we had to walk outside to find out what the weather was like

   liquor and ugly can only go so far... Would you like a paper bag?

   can't figure out why the Toyota Prius owners would be worried about brakes, since the car can't go fast enough to hurt anything anyway.

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.

   wonders why who jog regularly cannot get through the day without telling someone how far they ran? Notice they have to sneak it into the conversation or they'll burst

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   I see Woods is going after Couples now.

   I think, therefore I am overqualified.

   do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?

   Even if your life was a total waste of space, there's always hope that you'll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.

   I may be old a hell when Playstation 9 comes out around the year 2072, but I'll feel like a kid when I get my hands on it.

   doesnt understand the whole deal about secrets. If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place