Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If elected President, I would give out free window tint to all those people who sit at traffic lights and insist on picking their nose..

   Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..

   The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

   My doctor said I should eat more Taco Bell. He actually said "Less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

   Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......

   its not an addiction until you've blown someone for it.

   My outdoor patio furniture is breaking on me now. My transformation into "white trash" is almost complete!!

   So its safe to assume Kanye & Khadarshian's baby will have a huge butt and a huge mouth?

   If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees

   If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you're one of them

   7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.

   My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.

   It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...

   I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A passenger side drive-thru window for their complicated orders.

   My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   dear Friday, I'm ready..