Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!

   According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say "Why won't this crazy woman shut the hell up?"

   Anal bleaching... Because some a**holes need to lighten up.

   Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.

   There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.

   you sing about how you shot a b*tch and did cocaine, but when I download your music from the internet I’m the one doing something illegal?

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.

   Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong but...."Don't do it!! It's a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   Fun thing to do #48 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   I wish someone loved me as much as white women in commercials love yogurt

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

   I think I'd takes Joan Rivers opinions on how people look more seriously if she didn't look like something that sits on a ventriloquist's lap.

   Justin Bieber arrested for DUI and street racing. He was under the influence of drugs and was incoherent. He resisted arrest without violence and didnt have a drivers license. There is no joke here, the headline is funny enough on its own merit.

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

   It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power