Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   Everyone needs to understand that the whole world is being played.

   You mean you guys don't write for TV sitcoms either?

   Sometimes all you need in life is some really good sex.

   I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........

   If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.

   One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.

   She wanted to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't want to eat at a Chinese restaurant. So we compromised and ate at a Chinese restaurant.

   Ignore him and he will go away, simple solution

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get... You're already hard to want.

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   I think Al Sharpton may just be the most underrated comedian of our time.