Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cheer up, Harold Camping. A volcano erupted in Iceland. That's something.

   I have an appointment with a specialist to look into my memory problems... and apparently, it was yesterday.

   The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us.

   Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind her are her over opinionated friends so she gets bad advice and comes off sounding like a b!tch.

   Real friends share the same enemies.

   Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.

   Dude!!! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you.... And me

   I don't need no fancy pants book learnin' to know that xenophobia is the fear of warrior princesses.

   NO , people should stop arguing about ps3 and. Xbox 360 , because we all know the BEST system is, was and always will be the Atari 2600.

   everybody makes mistakes.... just ask your parents!

   Remember - with Valentine's Day only five days away, it's not too late to break up.

   I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more...

   Ohhh! who lives in the kitchen, chained to the sink? Sponge mom sweatpants!

   You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

   What's with these silly women always talking about how they don't need a man in their lives? B*tch, I also don't need a Ferrari but you don't hear me talking about it every damn minute.

   ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.

   ☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ I will die alone with 73 cats

   Anyone know how to get blood stains out of carpet? Totally unrelated, but I also am looking for a new girlfriend.

   Its better to be single and alone than to be in a relationship and feel alone.