Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first 10 years of a girl's life are spent playing with Barbies. The next 10 years are spent trying to look like one.

   just bought 400 copies of "Hoarders: Season 1." Not sure what to do with them...

   Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of life`s hardest tasks.

   Breaking News from Bikini Bottoms... Sponge Bob Square Pants has issued a HIGH Terrorist Alert. Reports coming in that Bin Laden has been spotted sinking around Mr. Krabs underwater mansion... More on this breaking story later...

   Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...

   I hope the people who drive slow in the left lane are the first to go on Saturday.

   Does your a$s ever get jealous of all the sh!t that comes out of your mouth?

   I want my head stone to read: He was survived by his family and 672 Facebook friends.

   Just a quick post, to wish you all a merry politically-correct non-denominational 'Winterfest'-type holiday, and a happy Gregorian calendar reset.

   I'm assuming everyone else also spent the whole day stockpiling downloaded porn to their computer too; just in case SOPA passes, right guys?

   I wonder if Winnie the Poo ever said, Tigger Please!

   I'd like to see a UPS man fall out of his door-less truck when he takes a corner too fast.

   I'm always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he'll spare my life when he finally snaps.

   It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

   WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than you actually are.

   So when your sexting...do you get a phoner?

   Anyone else wake up in a hotel room....with farm animals...If so, I could use some advice...and maybe a ride...and apparently some clothes too...some holy water wouldn't hurt either,,,,

   not a Paraskevidekatriaphobic!!! Happy Friday The 13th everyone!!!

   Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say "Top that, cowboy."