Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to what he says during sex. It's not even him talking, it's the prick in charge.

   Son: Dad can I go to a 50 Cent concert? Dad: Here's $1, take your sister with you.

   A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious"

   Bit%h If We Break Up... I'm Changing My Netflix Password ... You Ain't Bouta Be Cuddled Up With Anotha Guy On My $8 a Month

   Getting married at 18 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

   I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.

   I used to be afraid to fart in front of my new girlfriend. But today I just decided to let a big one go. She didn't mind. Her dad however was disgusted. The rest of the people at the funeral weren't too pleased either.

   Today's weight loss tip: Use superglue as lip gloss!!

   Taking a picture of a flower does not make you a photographer......

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands

   I love U, I love U, I love U. Don't get me wrong, I love other letters also.

   Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back. It just means that you are ahead of them.

   Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.

   It felt so good to delete you, I'd accept you just to do it all over again!!

   To the lady at Walmart wearing the "Bootylicious" shorts. If I can read that whole word...then that booty isn't licious!!!

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.**

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   Black Friday is America's version of Running with the Bulls!