Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.

   If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."

   Kids today will never experience the joy and excitement of hearing the sound of dial up internet actually connecting.

   Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.

   If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

   Gisele Bundchen just yelled at a meatball for falling off Tom Brady's fork.

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.

   I've got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn't have minded, but I've borrowed my girlfriend's cell phone for the day.

   I love finding money in my pockets after a night of drinking. It's like a gift to sober me…from drunk me.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"

   Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.

   What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE.

   Ever just read somebody's post and think.... what th H is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense.

   Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.

   Those guys with "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating

   You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

   Huh?,, Daylight Saving Time is this weekend?,,,,I'm not going to lose any sleep over it