Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in love with my bed. But my alarm clock won't let us be together.

   there is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, who finally break up on facebook

   I guess the truth really does hurt. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle when the seat's missing, but it hurts.

   Internet killed the video store

   I think the only people that can use a disposable razor and NOT cut themselves are people that have been to prison!

   Facebook has been down for 2 hours. The apocalypse has begun.

   Party like you will never be invited to another!

   Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place

   Just build the wall on the Mexican side and call it foreign aid.

   Apparently America has a very difficult time understanding and differentiating between the simple terms "Legal" and "Illegal."

   I can't watch Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. Whenever they swing her around the dance floor, I'm scared more babies will fly out!

   I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.

   This is where I plan on retiring: Go to Google Maps, hit these coordinates 45.55243,6.453428 in the search bar. Now back away on the map until the town name appears. Oh yeah, that's it. LOL!

   My girlfriend goes out and buys me 12 underwear of the same color. I said, "Why in the hell did you buy all of them in the same color? People will think I never change them." My girlfriend: Which people? :\

   the only thing I find more interesting than the royal wedding right now is everything else

   sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea and somethin called relationships....

   I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window... and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?

   Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.