Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   The day my status says "in a relationship" check for flying pigs. k?

   I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives ME dirty looks for listening to everything they say.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   ...back in the 80's my mom would scold me and say "Don't use that tone of voice with me young lady!"....I just texted my 15-year old son and said "Don't use exclamation points with me Mister!"...my have times changed!

   thinking about eating right, exercising, and quitting all my bad habits. But then I would attract too much attention, and frankly, I like my privacy.

   We're banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it's okay to hump, and it's okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.

   you know, i've only ever been wrong once in my life, and that's when I thought I was wrong but was actually right.

   sure now that after Mark Zuckerberg (founder of Facebook) was just announced as the youngest billionaire on Forbe's list, his mom doesn't tell him he's spending too much time on Facebook.

   There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim

   When I die, I want my Coroner's report to say.. death by mischief

   an apple a day will keep the doctor away; so will the lack of health insurance.

   had many people walk into her life and made it great. She has had many people walk out of her life and made it f*cking fantastic!!!

   Drinking, smoking and fatty foods are taking too long to kill me. I had to fall in love again to speed-up the process.

   A recent study conducted by UCLA just discovered that doing just about anything increases your risk of death.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.

   Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   If you're really curious whether or not you're ugly, just tell a co-worker of the opposite sex that their ass looks really hot when they wear those pants. If he/she reports you for sexual harassment, there's your answser.