Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise"

   According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

   Breaking weather news! Winter storm Juno finally landed and was quickly deflated as it passed over New England.

   I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.

   And as I opened the box it dawned on me. It wasn't the hamburger that needed help, it was me...

   Ladies, if you are wondering if the guy in line behind you is staring at your ass, ask yourself one question, "Do I have an ass?" If your answer is yes, then yes.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

   I Was just involved in a 'Canadian standoff....' (we were each holding the door open, insisting the other go first)

   One thing awesome about my childhood was being able to play with a 'toy' gun without the authorities getting involved.

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   was looking for a date on Craigs list only to find out that "420 friendly" did not stand for maximum weight limit.

   It dosen't mtetar in waht oredr the lettres in a wrod are. The olny imtorpant thnig is taht the frist and lsat leettr be in the rhgit palce. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can stlil raed it wihtout peoblrm.

   Why hasn't Sears made a riding vacuum cleaner?

   Tropical Storm, hurrican Alex, is expected to hit the Gulf of Mexico today/tomorrow. They're saying it may interfer with the cleanup from Bp's oil spill. That's too bad: because it's been going so well.

   I need a credit card that can afford my lifestyle.

   thinks there should be a Facebook button that says "I liked your status until every man and his dog decided to comment on it".

   not fat, I'm just kidnap resistant.