Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Constantly comparing your old relationship to your new relationship is a quick way to find yourself single again.

   There's always that one person who makes you wanna raise your middle finger every time they speak to you

   Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

   May your friends respect you, your troubles neglect you, your family protect you, and negativity not affect you.

   very surprised at the number of my family members actually willing to admit they are related to me.

   If I had Morgan Freeman's voice I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.

   They dropped megatron into the ocean...and we all know how that went.

   I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"

   if you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.

   "Don't let something that doesn't matter cost you something that does"

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   Unwritten Facebook rule #5 : If that person isn't in the photo, don't tag them.

   Sleep? Must be nice!

   Dan Snyder finally agreed that the name Washington Redskins is offensive, so from now on they'll be known simply as the Redskins.

   I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.