Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   I hope the President hands out Impeachment Acquittal Pens at the State of Union.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

   I’m done with my 90 Day trial of 2020! How Do I Cancel my Membership?

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.