Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.

   Facebook is slowly evolving into Myspace. Remember how you could post pictures and signs on Myspace well that's pretty much all that I see anymore. We all know what happened to Myspace. That's right no one uses it anymore. Just sayin

   I'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate.

   99% of my socks are single and you don't see them crying about it.

   I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

   Had one too many lastnight! Woke up to my neighbor mowing his lawn! .....I don't care, I am not moving! He's just going to have to mow around me!!!

   Respect old people: they graduated highschool without google or wikipedia.

   Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.

   I hate it when people call me as I'm about to use my phone and I accidentally answer it.

   It's funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishment.    

   If you put a ";)"face in a text message, I automatically assume your dtf.

   There is nothing quite like the pang of disappointment you feel when you realize that you have pressed the wrong button on the vending machine as you stare at that damn granola bar instead of a hunny bun.

   Category: Used&Abused for $1200 Alex....Alex Tribec: Another victim of using recycled jokes.. Contestant: Who is CindyAnn?

   The secret to life - Replace one worry with another.

   Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!

   A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste…

   The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own.

   Nobody likes the guy who stands in the corner of the elevator, hoarding the buttons. Then he asks; what floor? And he smiles, like he's doing you a favor. I WANNA HIT THE BUTTON.

   I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.