Funny Status Messages

   I bumped into a guy as I was hurrying off the elevator and I go "Why am I so eager to get to work?" and we laughed and I stole his wallet.

   Sometimes people don't notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. The they are like, “Why don't you stalk me anymore”

   Everytime I see a guy with a shark teeth necklace I think..."There goes the world's most bad ass toothfairy"

   Sometimes I want to send animal crackers to PETA..... half eaten

   My Chemistry teacher asked me if I know the symbol compound of sodium hydrogen. I said NaH.

   If you watch the Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.

   "Louisiana isn't the only place that has shrimp," said BP rep Randy Prescott. His office phone number is (713) 323-4093 and e-mail is randy.prescott@bp.com. Give him a call and tell him that BP isn't the only place that has fuel for your car.

   "Whoever said that 'laughter is the best medicine,' never suffered from erectile dysfunction."

   Wouldn't it be nice if the ATM just shot out an extra $20 every once in a while.

   Sometimes when I see people I havent seen in a while, I think to myself... "Yeah... He's definitely been smoking crack."

   No Matter what you do in life, always give 100%. Unless of course you are donating blood.

   How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

   What is the real value of a RAT'S ASS? And why do we refuse to GIVE ONE? If I had one, ur welcome to it.

   Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, this is Awesome!"

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.

   I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.

   Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".

   Dear apartment next door, you can either have an infant or a puppy, kill one.

   I wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.