Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.

   "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   I just saw a van that had two signs on it. One said "We Speak English" and the other one said "We Delivery".

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   Just once on Undercover Boss, I'd like to see one of the lower level employees just go, "Yeah, pretty much all I do all day is scrw around on Facebook and play Bubbleshooter. Also, our CEO is a d!ck."

   The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.

   My cable goes out more than I do.......How sad!!

   My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY

   The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.

   I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   No man goes before his time....... Unless the boss leaves early...

   wish every relationship i've been in had a 30 day money back guarantee!

   KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.

   : Dont you just wish you could go back to being a kid and let the adults take care of the problems that they created for themselves?

   You know what''s so scary, but just so sexy at the same time? A hot woman kicking your a$$ in video games.....in your room.....on your bed.

   Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

   The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.

   celebrating 1 year of sobriety today…I think it was 1972...