Funny Status Messages

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.

   remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap.

   If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..

   I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.

   ..if life is just one big game.. I need unlimited health & money cheat codes...

   If you want to see a basket full of uncomfortable people, break up with your girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride

   On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

   thinks it was irresponsible for the Cox Candy Company to make a lollipop. Who would walk into a candy store and ask for a Cox Sucker?

   Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.

   What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.

   poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?

   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

   just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.

   My cable goes out more than I do.......How sad!!

   My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY

   The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.

   I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays