Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SEX is not the answer!! Sex IS the question... 'Yes' is the answer! :)

   Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand new Porsche.

   I think this new diet may be a little too strick. I actually look forward to paying bills because I get to lick the envelopes.

   1f you c4n r34d th1s you r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

   Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

   I'm one of those Dads that tells his son to push back when he's been pushed.

   Being alive is so expensive.

   There is a certain brilliance inside people who conceal deep pain with comedy.

   Someone should sit Lindsay Lohan down and force her to watch that episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills.

   Iran claims they captured a US drone which our government is denying. I think what the Iranians really have is my Turbo 2000 styrofoam glider plane I lost back in '96.......I threw that thing pretty hard.

   Party like a rockstar is no longer acceptable. You party like Charlie Sheen, or you don't party at all !

   Mexican word of the day is MUSHROOM: Usage: “When all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom left.”

   what do you call a Chinese man with one leg ? Tye wun shu.

   " Dude,I wasn't that drunk." "....you gave a mushroom to a midget and kept yelling 'GROW MARIO GROW!'.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   shouldn't the DMV have a drive thru?

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   I don't always delete people from facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend me and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.