Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parents today are spending thousands of dollars "child-proofing" their home. When I was little we stuck our fork in the wall socket ONE time. Our parents let us do it, and they saved thousands of dollars.

   I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.

   I finally friended my wife on Facebook to get updates on our relationship.

   Sticks an stones will break my bones, but This Shovel will knock you the F*ck out!!

   Live like a kindergartener, you dont have to have the coolest clothes or hottest girlfriend you just have to have the biggest box of crayons

   Sarcasm is an art.. and some people just don't have an appreciation for art.

   Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.

   How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?

   Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP

   watched numerous horror movies without so much as a flinch, but I just crapped a brick when the toast popped up out of the toaster.

   Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.

   A friend will calm you down when you are angry. A best friend will skip beside you with a bat singing, "Someones gonna get it"

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   if you love something and you were dumb enough to let it go then you didn't deserve it in the first place.

   thinking since we can get President Obama to show us his birth certificate... I'm now wondering if Sarah Palin's boobs are real? ;)

   Why do all the beautiful women with blond hair, dye their roots brown?

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   Really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I'd hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarassing.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!!