Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I say, "I never do that"...what I mean is "I haven't done that in the past five minutes."

   Life doesn't come with instructions, so why live as if it also comes with rules?

   I don't give a crap, but If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to.

   At least this apocalypse and rapture debacle has conclusively proven one significant fact: We are not alone! We have idiots living among us!

   People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.

   Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110

   Bees are a good example of Karma; once they sting someone… they die

   I'm about to rewrite history. History.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   You Need To Realize if you take Facebook seriously. People won't take you seriously.

   Study: The act of eating, browsing the net, and listening to music with an open text book near by.

   The cheaper the phone, the harder it is to break.

   A 4 year old black boy was brutally beaten by his father. Where's your outrage black community??

   Please forgive me, I got excited copying and pasting your status that I forgot to like it.

   Whenever I'm introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.

   ✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ Justin Bieber

   10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden - In his house.

   What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS? A bi*ch who will track you down

   Obesity doesn't run in your family - NO ONE runs in your family!!!

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex" has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night.