Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   streaming Netflix's through a Blackberry tandem modem. Please don't call. The good part is coming up!!

   I just skimmed through 50cent tweet page. I can't believe the guy's only been shot nine times.

   I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.

   I'm always hearing stories of people posting "Inappropriate" pics on Facebook....Why are none of YOU showing me nude pics my friends????

   You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.

   ‎"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

   I will always forgive you, I only want you to realize what you have done wrong.

   hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there

   Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute

   It's all fun and games til they open up the trunk...

   Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday???

   I am tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?

   Thats the last time I order cheap printer cartridges from yemen.......

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?

   Don't you find those people who keep updating how many days to christmas annoying? Anyway it's 37 days to christmas.

   If you worry about all the bridges you burn in life, you will never get across the river.

   I am obsessed with Morgan Freeman's voice. I want him to narrate my inner monologue.

   Life was so simple back when we didn't need a Username and a Password.

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.