Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After spending any time on social media you can understand why they need to write "Do Not Eat" on silica packets.

   To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

   The downside of fame? I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

   I'm pretty sure my inability to take things seriously, will one day get me murdered.

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Common Sense, So rare it's kinda like a super power.

   When someone says: "We can still be friends" what they really mean is: "I'm not interested. Here's a consolation prize for all those wasted years."

   Dear HBO, thanks so much for the porn every night, sincerely, kids everywhere

   You know its a sad epidemic when"MILFS" are now considered "Barely Legal" in the porn industry..

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.

   Went to a different bar thinking I wouldn't see anyone I knew and have a quiet drink. Everybody from my AA meeting was there.

   My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that.

   The best part about waking up Sunday morning is knowing that sex can be more than a quickie and you can sip your coffee instead of gulping it.

   I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

   The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.

   If you wouldn't make her your wife.. Don't make her a mother!

   I am convinced majority of women only wear high-heels to work so they don't have to help move stuff.

   If all my Christmas presents were wrapped in bubble wrap... it's be like two gifts in one!!

   When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

   Ever notice that the douchebag who says "See you next year!" on New Years Eve is always someone you wouldn't mind not seeing for the entire year?.......