Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.

   Girls get away with wearing guys crap but wear one hair scrunchy and now the daughter says I can't pick her up from school anymore

   Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.

   You haven't lived until you've been physically escorted out of McDonalds at 4:47am by a 15 year old

   Chick called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a shirt. This why chivalry is dead

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   Thanks for the womb and board, Mom!

   I really admire people who exercise. This cake is dedicated to you.

   Now that prom season is over parents can start focusing on what's important like graduation and their daughters next period.

   Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

   If a vegan falls in the woods and there's nobody there to listen to them talk about being a vegan, are they still annoying?

   I want dogs to be allowed at more places and I want children under 8 to not be.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a Vegan the head can continue talking about being a Vegan for 8 minutes before it dies?

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.