Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.