Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 81 of 6387
All I'm saying is, you don't see many face tattoos on Jeopardy!
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11-14-2021 19:23
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When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!
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12-18-2018 22:45 by Moon
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I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.
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01-13-2019 12:32
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Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
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08-14-2019 06:07
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No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
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08-25-2019 16:14
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When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.
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05-04-2018 10:25
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How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
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05-22-2018 10:45
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After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying
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09-12-2020 20:46
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I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...
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01-21-2021 21:02 by Gabe
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Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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06-24-2020 08:37
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It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.
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01-01-2018 04:21
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A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".
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02-09-2018 12:48
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I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
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01-11-2017 22:42
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Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.
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12-03-2017 23:23
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My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
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11-05-2017 06:26
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The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
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05-25-2017 18:12 by Pj
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My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...
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06-14-2020 09:45 by Gabe
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The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.
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05-18-2022 00:48
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With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.
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05-28-2021 02:13
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Remembers when
the only fake news
was the National Inquirer
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07-22-2020 19:10
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