Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not that I hate you, it's just.. well i'll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I'd drink i

   just cause they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.

   Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy. Now open your eyes. Disappointing, isn't it?

   If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.

   who cares about weight or looks a beautiful woman to me is one who is comfortable in her own skin with a credit score more than 715.

   LOVE it when i'm home alone! There is nobody to verify that I have done NOTHING in the last 2 hours.

   you know what works better than a rape whistle? a rape pistol.

   it sexual herassment if a midget tells you your hair smells good?

   When someone rings the doorbell...why do dogs always assume it's for them ???

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   Why do people re-post the same status? It wasn't funny 2 days ago. It's still not funny today

   I don't want to live forever. But if I found the Fountain of Youth, I'd definitely stick my balls in it.

   I wonder if gay guys make fun of each other when they do something "straight"

   3 dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks.To be as rich as his child believes.To have as many women as his wife suspects

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture

   Your profile said you had a body like an amusement park, but when I met you it looked more like a trailer park. what gives?

   Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.

   every 5 seconds somewhere on Earth a woman gives birth to a baby. We must find her and stop her.