Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."

   It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

   What is the meanest thing you can do to a person? Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!

   Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you alot and think of you often.

   mourning the passing of Saturday & Sunday. *pours out a bit of coffee* "I enjoyed the times we had. You'll be sorely missed." *Glances at Monday.* *Monday stares back.* "Awkward."