Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...

   Sangria is like naughty Kool Aid.

   How awesome would it be to buy a universal remote and stand outside your neighbors window and change the channel when they are watching soaps??

   Why does anyone ever bother to say "don't look"? Because we all know what happens next...

   I won't believe the Groundhog saw his shadow until he updates his Facebook status.

   haw-yee! Said the dyslexic cowboy.

   Cinderella is proof that a fancy pair of shoes can change your life!!

   That time of year again where in a few days we will be able to buy Hearts filled with chocolates for 75% off.

   Sometimes I wish that automatic doors would appreciate my existance...

   Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself.

   Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

   well the heats off you for now Lindsey Lohan...tell Charlie Sheen thanks.

   thinks the best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?

   When you look, you see reflections of your yourself. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.

   Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

   A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. Don't college kids already have that? It's called Facebook.

   Bristol Palin is payed as an Abstinence Ambassador... Great, now if we can only get Charlie Sheen to speak on alcohol awareness

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.

   The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.