Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   every time I come home after being around another dog, mine looks at me like I cheated on him

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines and a large trash can.

   Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles. Do your job.

   I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.

   Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   In my lifetime I have learnt that women, who appear quiet, shy and innocent looking in public are actually the biggest freaks behind closed doors.

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.

   In memory of 9/11 I am teaching my kids the pledge of allegiance like everyone was taught when I was a kid

   The secrets of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy, and exercise or simply lie like hell about your age.

   girls have unique powers they get wet without water, bleed without an injury & make boneless things get hard.

   Girls having more guy friends because they cause less drama...

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   Wondering why people with food stamps drive escalades?

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"