Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blow Jobs are better than No Jobs - Bill Clinton

   just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...

   Someone left their toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   Screw the fiscal cliff! Where's the Twinkie bailout?!

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the Hampster was dead?!!!

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   Got a little too much Sun today! I knew I should have closed the blinds!

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

   2014 is in 4 months.. Let that sink in

   I am sooo glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones & evidence.

   I learned something today....but I'm not telling you what because knowledge is power!

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed

   The people that doubt you are usually the ones that know you can succeed.

   Chocolate chip cookie dough has a warning to not eat it raw. Who in their right mind is not going to do that. I can't even remember the last time I got cookie dough and made them into cookies.

   “Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.