Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got in trouble at the movie theaters for putting a 'wet floor' sign infront of the door to"Magic Mike"

   might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.

   Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.

   how are we gonna kill all the zombies if obama takes our guns away.

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me

   got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

   Why do we always have to lose an hour on the weekend to make it shorter? Why cant Spring forward happen on a Friday afternoon so we can leave work earlier for happy hour?

   With today being St Patricks day,I've decided to dedicate my life to helping leprechauns clean up thier act. They're always smoking the pot at the end of the rainbow.

   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

   ashamed of what he did for a klondike bar

   blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.

   this chick I was talking to told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone.

   I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..

   I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...

   It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to all my friends in the order received.

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.

   it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?