Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today was brought to you by redbull. Lots and lot of redbull.

   When my Droid freezes I instinctively pull the battery out blow on it like a Nintendo game.

   Sometimes what is said is not what is meant and what is meant is left unsaid.

   Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!

   Awkward Moment - realizing you've posted an Awkward moment status that you thought was funny, and no one else does.

   If you ever get angry at one of my posts, the last thing you should do is tell me about it. That just makes it even funnier for me

   Once again Miley Cyrus tries to hijack another awards show by throwing her inexplicably huge pu$$y out there for all the world to see.

   Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"

   At the end of each day, life should ask us, 'Do you want to save the changes?'

   I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won't be enough.

   Chill, single moms. You don't see us single dads celebrating mother's day!

   How are you going to sue Axe? Wether it attracts women or mosquitos, They are both blood-suckers :)

   My mom always said kill them with kindness, but for you I'm getting my gun!

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus!

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."