Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine...

   ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar *´¨`*:.☆ HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

   I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''

   it just me or does Oscar the grouch look like a big pile of weed?

   Sometimes it's better to just quietly miss someone than to let them know and still be ignored.

   Somebody please take Grandpa Biden's keys away before he drives us into a ditch. Oops, too late.

   Now remember kids, if anyone ever offers you drugs, say 'Thank you', cause drugs are expensive.

   Nothing screams jealous insecure trust issues louder than a joint Facebook profile.

   Internet Explorer - the best browser in the world for downloading Firefox.

   this one sucks.. keep scrolling

   I met with my new girlfriends father for the first time yesterday. The first thing I said to him was, "Sir, you and me have something in common.." "What's that son?" I replied "Your daughter calls us both Daddy"

   The POKE button is getting old on Facebook, I want to see a CHOKE or BODY SLAM option!

   So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!!

   Had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Rosie O donnell. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale,and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire.

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫

   I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.

   "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" -- Abraham Lincoln

   I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering: Horse? Catapult? Tooth Fairy? Santa?

   A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.