Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I have gotten older a lot of my opinions have changed, but what hasn't changed is mine are the only ones that matter.

   it is really satisfying to know, now that my 2 year old is almost done with diapers, I will probably be the next one that needs them...

   thinks that Operation "Gain As Much Weight As Humanly Possible While On Vacation" is right on schedule so far.

   without freedom of speech we would never know who the a$$holes are

   I'm all out of tea and sympathy. How about some coffee and you f*cking deserved it?

   thinks that the inventor of the auto-response phone system should be put to death - but they have to choose their own death from a menu of options.

   Just because a path is well traveled does not mean it is the right way.

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   use to walk to school uphill both ways in waist high snow in sub below zero temps just like my dad.

   Just beheaded my neighbor's snowman and placed it on a stake on his front lawn.

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?

   if Facebook didn't exist, I wouldn't know how many imaginary friends I have.

   If you say "That reminds me of a good story," I automatically think "This story's gonna suck."

   There's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one.

   always ready, willing and able. Unless you have to move then sorry I am unavailable that day!

   If it wasn't for the fact that I had to pee, I'd never get out of bed

   its a shame that your profile picture is the only good pic you have out of the 500 albums you created.

   Send an email to a friend saying "PLEASE PLASE PLEASE Disregard previous message. Please don't read it! I love you!" It will drive them crazy!

   Good Effort! A Polite way to say "YOU SUCK!"