Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you lick frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin

   Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…

   The Weird moment when somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at.

   TMZ is reporting that OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony are now dating after finding out they have things in common on eharmony.com....

   im not saying I'm a badass, but I do play the wii without the straps

   I'm sad I'll never get to see the joy and confusion on some archeologist's face when, in a few thousand years, he tries to explain the "Shake Weight" ..

   BoObs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

   I met my perfect match on ePharmacy.com

   I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she's just too pretty to do from behind.

   You find love when you're not looking for it, and you can't find it when you really want to. It's sh!t like this that makes me drink.

   I'm not single, I'm in a long distance relationship with this girl who lives in my future.

   Dear people who think Romeo and Juliet was a romantic love story.... It was a relationship between a 13 yr old and 17 yr old that lasted 3 days and resulted in 6 deaths.... Sincerely, Everyone that has actually read the story!

   Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

   If you ever want someone to call you back, leave a message saying: "Hey! I've got extra tickets to"....and hang up. Works every time.

   HOW LONG IS THIS DORITOS COMMERCIAL!? Grandma, that's just Jersey Shore...

   If this burglar can avoid tripping & bashing his skull open while my cats circle his feet,,, I'll help him load my belongings into his car.

   If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.

   A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   watching the local weather girl and have no idea what it's gonna be like today....