Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey person calling me from a blocked number, I’m not answering. Ever.

   Most people spend their time trying to find someone to sleep with, instead of finding someone worth waking up to.

   Why is it that girls in tampon commercials laugh and dance ? shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burning shit down

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.

   If today drags anymore, it's going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress

   If the person is more than 25 feet away from you, holding the door is creepy.

   Just found a Fruit Roll-Up in my pocket, which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt in their lunch box.

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."

   WORDS OF ADVICE: Whenever she says "I think we should see other people", what she really means is that she's been seeing someone else behind your back for weeks and has now grown tired of the charade.

   Facebook should change it from "Friends" to "People I've made eye contact with".

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   BBC News- "Mobiles 'may cause brain cancer'" download our iphone app for more on this story

   Facebook .... the online version of "Jerry Springer" .... but more entertaining.....

   Coffee...Meet your Maker!

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

   It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

   the way to tell a woman is single and or not even dating...is how hairy their legs are

   I do not understand how a phone that starts your car can be a selling point. If someone steals your phone, they not only have your car, but more than likely your facebook, which let's face it, is scarier than losing a car.

   What I typed to text my wife: Getting BK (Burger King) now. What auto-correct on my iPhone tried to change it to: Getting BJ now. Thankfully I checked it before I hit send...