Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.

   Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship.

   A womans shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

   One time Bill Murray came up to me at a Wendys, took a fry off my tray, ate it, looked me dead in the eyes and said "Nobody's going to believe you"

   Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics' album at 4am.

   I love how the ninja turtles wear masks. Way to hide your identity, its not like your a giant turtle or anything.

   No matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time on FB, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never seen a Twilight movie.......

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

   currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery......who has something nice to say?

   A beautiful girl without a personality, is like a Lamborghini without an engine.

   Helen Keller once said "Gahhgrrr berkic dahhh errr waa waa!".... It's as true today as it has ever been

   The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   Over Six Billion Dollars were spent on this Election Campaign, so that Americans can be in the exact same place they were in Before it started. Well done, America... Well. Done.

   Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I’ll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)

   All these “like if you hate cancer” posts are f ucking ridiculous. Everybody hates cancer but clicking on some damn picture doesn’t do jack s hit!