Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ust had a swell idea for an invention... Rear-facing high-beams to flash into the eyes of those discourteous tailgating drivers!

   I think the best way to prove to an ex that you don't think about them anymore is to write and produce a song saying so.

   I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

   My Wife said the other day "Do you still love me now that I'm getting old and fat?". Apparently "you're not old" was an inppropriate response.

   Just in case you needed another reason to hate Kim Kardashian. She just bought Kayne a $750,000 Lambo for his b-day.

   Graduations, Engagements, Babies…I don't understand why I'm obligated to get you a gift for YOUR bad decisions?

   I don't know what's wrong with me and it's too expensive to find out.

   If I ever have to pay FaceBook to see what my friends are up to, we will be meeting back at the bar!

   Ironically, sweatpants are the least likely pant to get any sweat on them.

   Instead of "Whats on your mind" it should say " What's the reason for the meltdown today" .

   It's annoying when people take an unattractive quality they have and try to make it sound cute. "Umm I'm kind of a control freak. Like, I just REALLY like things my way. Ahaha(((:" B!tch shut up.

   Everyone knows someone that can't take the hint when you're trying to end a conversation with them.

   Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!!!!

   *Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to Remind Me every 2 seconds

   Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.

   You know your a$s is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo.

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram

   I replied to your event invites with "maybe" because there wasn't a box for "I haven't seen you since high school, leave me alone."