Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

   Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!

   All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

   If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

   I'm at my most walk of shame when I'm wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

   One of the hazards of sheep farming must be trying to stay awake while taking inventory.

   Germans are going to be hit with large fines if they invade someone else's space! 80 years too late if you ask me?

   Imagine surviving Covid19 then China releases Covid19S Plus Pro

   I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

   I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

   Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   Did you know, Hillary Clinton killed Kurt Cobain because grunge was making pantsuits obsolute.