Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's 100° with an under-boob index of 110°.

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

   I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

   typed this status with his toes.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!

   there is a great need for sarcasm font.

   Kids buy breakfast cerial the same way men buy lingerie for thier wives. They buy something they care nothing about just so they can get at the prize that's inside.

   Feels like posting tomorrow's status update today

   An error has occured: User performed an illegal operation when they got out of bed. Return user to bed to continue.

   I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

   I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

   Just saw my Direct Deposit amount and the "LOL" the bank typed next to it.

   Does anyone besides me think the new Olympic Mascots resemble sex toys?????

   Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.

   You know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.