Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ˙ɹǝʌoƃuɐɥ ʇsɹoʍ ǝɥʇ sɐɥ

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe, I'll have another beer.

   not really rude, she just says what everybody else is thinking.

   Due to the current economy....I will no longer accept a penny for my thoughts. I want $1 for them now.

   The voices in my head have switched to sign language just to mess with me.

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?

   For those of you who like to STIR THE POT..be sure you get a good grip on the handle!!

   Strangers have the best candy.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!

   The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

   there is a great need for sarcasm font.

   Kids buy breakfast cerial the same way men buy lingerie for thier wives. They buy something they care nothing about just so they can get at the prize that's inside.

   Feels like posting tomorrow's status update today

   An error has occured: User performed an illegal operation when they got out of bed. Return user to bed to continue.

   I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

   I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

   Just saw my Direct Deposit amount and the "LOL" the bank typed next to it.