Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.

   I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   You look chatty. I’ll take the next elevator.

   People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.

   The only difference between Mcdonald's and my work is Mcdonald's has only got one clown running the show..

   I switched to Herbal Essence shampoo and sadly discovered that I do not have a G-Spot on top of my head like those women in the commercial.

   Loser cleans up the yard signs.....

   Why isnt there any black friday deals at the liquir store....

   I'm old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells "which one am I?" every 30 seconds.

   I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eyesight'

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

    Coffee (n.): a magical substance that turns "leave me alone, or die!" into "good morning people of the world".

   They will take you for granted as long as they know you will always take them back.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself

   There's a difference between who we love, who we settle for, and who we're meant for.

   Just a friendly reminder that the world supposedly ends in 74 days.