Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   You look chatty. I’ll take the next elevator.

   People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.

    Coffee (n.): a magical substance that turns "leave me alone, or die!" into "good morning people of the world".

   They will take you for granted as long as they know you will always take them back.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself

   There's a difference between who we love, who we settle for, and who we're meant for.

   Just a friendly reminder that the world supposedly ends in 74 days.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   Next time someone tells you "Anything is Possible", tell them to go slam a revolving door...

   Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.

   I like how ninja turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. It's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.

   People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   I'm old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells "which one am I?" every 30 seconds.

   I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eyesight'

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.