Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want you to be you, but when you being you affects me being me, that's when I have a problem with us being us.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me, he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   I write like this not..."LyK Dis"....because I am an adult and I am not retarded.

   I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

   I HaTe PeOpLe WhO WrItE tHiS wAy

   I hate when women fish for compliments by mentioning that they've gained a few pounds. I don't bite. Instead I offer, "yeah, maybe you're pregnant."

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.

   Wanna make money through Facebook? Login to FB, Goto Accounts, Account Settings, Deactivate your account and Start Working!!

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   You know the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" ..... well for girls its " Why buy the whole pig, when all ur gonna get is a lil sausage...

   at the supermarket dropping Cucumbers and KY Jelly into random peoples trolleys !!

   trying to get in the Christmas spirit, but I can't get the damn bottle opened.

   When a spambot tells you to click a link to take an IQ test, that IS the IQ test.

   Key to a long relationship: keep the fights clean and the sex dirty

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.